How I Let Go of the Guilt of My Mother's Death

It all happened so quickly. She was there one minute then the next she was gone.

In 2005 I was on my way to Randy’s work. He had forgotten his sunglasses and we were in the honeymoon stage, so just had to go there to see him, cough cough, I mean drop them off. I got a phone call from my aunt. “Erin, your mom is in the hospital and she’s dying. You need to get here ASAP.” In shock I dropped off the glasses to Randy’s coworkers, he was out on a test run and told them my mom was dying and I’d be at the hospital. I speeded there only to find my mother already had passed. You see she was already gone when my Aunt called, but she didn’t want to tell me over the phone. 

The Dr’s told us that she died from blood clots that went to her heart and lungs. They developed from her starting to smoke again. When we went to see her body she was lying closed up from the emergency surgery. She had her mouth open and I’ll never forget that her tongue was hanging out like an animal. That image gave me nightmares. For months I would beat myself up. I mean I had helped kill her right?! 

The funeral was a traumatic event for me. We were in the room where family and friends come and view the body and pay their respects. My father, Randy and I walk up to my mom. My father opens his mouth. "She did it to herself with all that smoking". Walking away crying harder than ever I collapsed. I allowed his words to crush me. It took a lot of time for me to grow and realize that even if I hadn’t gotten her cigarettes she would have manipulated her way to get them. She was sick but that didn’t mean that I had to let that stop me from moving forward anymore.

Hope Pym also dealt with the loss of her mother for most of her life. Her mother was The Wasp and had to go into the Quantum Realm to save the day. No one had shrunk that small and the odds of her coming back were slim to none. In her mother's honor, Hope took on the mantle of the Wasp and in doing so was able to help find and save her mom.

Have you had to deal with guilt after someone you loved died?